We are expecting our fifth baby.
Our last baby.
I want to share with you some of the honest, and unexpected feelings I have been experiencing with this pregnancy. When I found out a few weeks ago, I was deeply disturbed by the predominance of fear in my heart. I have never before seen that beautiful '+' and felt tension well up inside of me. It's too soon! I don't know if my body can take it! Though this initial reaction ruffled me, I was even more disturbed by the fear that persisted and plagued me in the weeks following. I would test my heart, waiting to feel that jolt of joy that came so readily with my other children, but I wouldn't find it. This was not a good way to live. This had to end. So I stopped waiting and did something about it. I began to pray in a new way.
Since Isaiah's birth, I have been seeking God's face for an answer. Father, is our family complete? Or do you have another child for us? I was in mourning over the possible closing of this chapter of our lives, but unwilling to close it medically before gaining some peace about it. And then the answer came. Yes, there is another. And the beauty of God's response was lost on me for a time while I gave my fears a stage.
I have woken from my stupor to praise him. Your answer came. I will praise you for your 'yes'. And should your 'yes' become a 'no' I will praise you still. There is no room for fear in the life of a Daughter. Should the unthinkable happen, I will not say my God is not a good God.
So, please join our family in rejoicing over this little one. I was given the opportunity to see him this week. Beautiful tiny ten week old baby. I got to hear his tiny heart.
I fell in love and out of fear.
Five.
