tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-251458632024-03-06T23:31:30.972-05:00Roots: Pulling Them Up & Putting Them Down<br><br>
On building a home . . . And building a little Character in the process.Johannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00416894565779056101noreply@blogger.comBlogger907125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-20298364585348286902016-12-19T15:20:00.000-05:002019-01-28T15:08:35.011-05:00::Three French Hens::On the third day of Christmas...<br />
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That's a lotta chickens...<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-42755685622937243232016-07-31T08:21:00.000-04:002016-07-31T08:21:12.182-04:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: 300%;">L</span>oss is so, so many things. Today, loss is this: I am watching Finding Dory at a theater with my littlest girl on her birthday. On screen, the blue fish finds a single seashell on the ocean floor, and then another and another, and she begins to follow. Suddenly, the picture widens and zooms out to reveal, not just one shell path but dozens, radiating out from the center, each painstakingly laid, we learn, by her grieving and determined parents-- each one meant to lead Dory home. And all I’m thinking is, I wish I could find my mom at the end of a trail of shells, or crumbs, or whatever. I can’t. Instead, I will find her at the end of a trail of days, carefully laid out by an Architect of lives. And that’s not a path I can run down. All I can do is walk it and weep and walk it some more.<br />
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It is just a moment, truly, that my face crumples in pain. I know it is because it’s all I allow myself when my kids are near. But that single moment is caught by little eyes, even in the dim light of the theater. Those eyes have grown accustomed to turning to me whenever a moment turns sad because, more often than not, they’ll see a mama with tears tracking down her face.<br />
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Love and hope is so, so many things. Today, love and hope is this: A little hand finds my arm in the dark. “<i>I know what you’re thinking of</i>,” is all she whispers. And then she is curled over the arm of her seat, resting her head against me to offer me what she can. If the trail I walk is made up moments like this, I will be OK. Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-19553350122578012662016-02-18T10:52:00.003-05:002016-02-18T10:52:39.284-05:00::Mom::<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I couldn’t make poetry out of words this time. Wrestling with the
words to explain what I’ve lost would not make the loss pretty or more
profound. <span style="font-size: 160%;">My mom died</span>. And she died really suddenly. And I didn’t get to
see her the week she died because my life got in the way. And I can’t
quite grasp with any real clarity what it was we last said to one
another. And I don’t remember our last hug. And that’s just brutal. <span style="font-size: 160%;">I
can’t make poetry out of that</span>. So, I’ve just let the words do what they
want. I’ll just be the raw, completely broken-hearted eldest daughter
that I am, and it will be enough.<br />
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I orbited around my mom like a
tiny moon in a gravitational thrall. <span style="font-size: 160%;">I would move about my week in a
circle that always led back to her</span>. All of us kids did. The four of us
have this internal compass that was always oriented back towards her
and if we walked away from her a little too far, for a little too long,
something in us would start to ache until our feet turned back. Now that
she’s too far for us to get to, that ache is a constant, un-abating
thing sitting right here in our chests. I caught a few of us actually
walking around this week trying to rub the pain away.<br />
<br />
She knew
her kids in an essential way. By that, I mean that she knew our
essences, our cores, our fundamental selves. She watched us. Studied us.
Learned us. Then she coaxed the beautiful bits up to the surface and
ruthlessly hauled up the ugly bits as well. She wanted to really see us,
to hold us up to the light and really see us, because <span style="font-size: 160%;">to be known is
everything</span>. She looked at her children with clear eyes: Beautiful and
sinful and beloved.<br />
<br />
My mom loved so much better than anyone I
know. She found it easy to love, I think. There wasn’t a type of person
she was in the habit of loving. She just loved whoever was put in front
of her. Our kitchen, and our coffee maker, and my mom’s love were a
life-giving, even life-saving combination. She listened as intently as
she did because she actually wanted to hear what you had to say. And the
things she said landed so well because they were honest, insightful and
usually true. Her determination to say the truest thing rather than the
nicest thing made it harder for any of us to cuddle up close to our
favourite sins. Like the gardener she was, <span style="font-size: 160%;">she unearthed things</span> that
needed digging up and tucked new, vibrant, healthy things inside us
instead.<br />
<br />
This was such a hard year for my mom. We watched a
woman who had always been on her feet drop to her knees because of a
body that had betrayed her. The couch and a warm blanket were about all
she could get out of most days. For obvious reasons she was deeply
unhappy, mostly because the pain made her weary, and her sensitive body
couldn’t be touched, not by her husband, not by her children, and not by
her grandchildren. But here’s the thing, that skill my mom had for
unearthing the bad and replacing it with good, it wasn’t just a skill
she used for others. She was well practiced at digging deep into her own
heart as well. She never hid this refining process from her children,
so we saw it at work often enough to recognize it. This is what I saw my
mother do with her couch, her blanket and her battered body; <span style="font-size: 160%;">she
surrendered it all in prayer through the dark, sleepless hours</span> of every
morning. At 3:30 a.m. every day, when her aching bones stole her sleep
away, she’d lie on that couch, tucked under her favourite blanket and
talk to her God. What was born out of necessity became a marrow-deep
delight. She would describe her morning chats with God to me with a
child-like glee. And her joy was my joy.<br />
<br />
My mom doesn’t need pain
to teach her to talk to God anymore. But apparently I do. I am in pain.
So, on the couch, under a warm blanket, I will be talking to Him. I am
her eldest daughter. I am raw and completely heart-broken, but <span style="font-size: 160%;">her joy
was my joy, her God is my God</span> and that is enough.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-61853248116890114262016-01-08T14:35:00.001-05:002016-01-08T14:35:33.567-05:00::Feather Frost::<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: 300%;">T</span>his season...<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-35248702692182894472016-01-05T09:41:00.000-05:002016-07-31T08:21:49.276-04:00::Barometers of Change::<span style="font-size: 300%;">I</span>t’s almost as though their small bodies are barometers of change. They all get sick at the end. Last night I cradled her feverish body in the crook up my arm. Her whimpers quieted almost immediately, and her breathing slowed as she dipped down into sleep. And that’s when I let myself remember. I have been here twice before, a fever-hot child in my arms the very week they are leaving me. They all get sick at the end, a lowering of defenses as they sense somehow that the world around them is about to tilt and shift. Again.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-41193574328273990412015-12-30T11:41:00.000-05:002015-12-30T11:41:05.705-05:00::Second annual Montreal Christmas trip:: <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: 300%;">A</span> few rules for those of us who love architecture: 1. Don't forget to look up. 2. Go up and down every alleyway you find. 3. Look at everything zoomed out & in.<br />
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Taking the long way around, we stopped at <a href="http://www.parcomega.ca/en/">Parc Omega</a> on the way home. It was particularly magical this year because the falling snow coated the animals in a white blanket.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-58724941200605934972015-12-23T12:06:00.000-05:002015-12-23T12:06:16.018-05:00::They can't help it::<span style="font-size: 300%;">E</span>very few movements becomes a dance with these girls. A slowing of the arm as they reach to grab a glass. A slide of the foot along the floor as they move from point A to B. A few full-body rotations when I half-turn would have sufficed. They can't help it. <br />
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On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me:<br />
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<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Two Turtle Doves</span></span>.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-73839156144419872032015-08-04T10:09:00.001-04:002015-08-04T10:09:31.711-04:00::Cottage Life::<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: 160%;"> Cottage life</span>: Taking everything slow. . . and eating a lot more food.</div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-70108221195275585282015-07-15T09:14:00.000-04:002015-07-15T09:14:13.100-04:00::Neutel Family Reunion 2015::<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 160%;">One hundred and one cousins</span>...</div>
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<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-41016547418534274962015-07-07T10:23:00.001-04:002015-07-07T10:23:28.147-04:00::On Capitalization::<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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"<span style="font-size: 140%;">Interesting capitalization</span>," I said.</div>
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"<span style="font-size: 160%;">Yeah. I'm a big believer in random capitalization. The rules of capitalization are so unfair to words in the middle</span>."</div>
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~<i>Paper Towns</i> by John Green</div>
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A very appealing sentiment to me and my grammar-flaunting ways. Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-72692230973204482372015-07-01T23:25:00.000-04:002015-07-01T23:34:08.551-04:00::JUNE::As I saw it.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-82756521331288761412015-06-17T16:50:00.001-04:002015-06-17T16:50:15.933-04:00::Digital Pointillism::<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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i see spots
</div>
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Things change.<br />
<br />
The <span style="font-size: 140%;">warm, ambient sameness</span> that lulls us like an afternoon nap<br />
is not a thing we can presume to keep. <br />
Because <span style="font-size: 140%;">just when</span> we grow most fond of it,<br />
Just when it settles around our frame and contours us from head to toe in a cocoon, <br />
It rips it's skin-warmed blanket from our bodies and<span style="font-size: 140%;"> tilts us out</span> of our rumpled sheets and into the chill of the day.<br />
And it <span style="font-size: 140%;">does not welcome</span> us back.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: 140%;">There we stand</span>, arms encircling our ribs, blinking in an effort to sharpen our focus on an alien context.<br />
We run our hands along the bedpost, brush a finger <span style="font-size: 140%;">over the familiar threads</span> of a well-worn quilt.<br />
Like a tidal pull, we're leaning over <span style="font-size: 140%;">the place we lay</span> moments before, the place that is still etched with our body's well-worn imprint.<br />
We could hold this posture. We could. And <span style="font-size: 140%;">slowly, we'd calcify</span> into a hardened, bent thing. A gnarled willow weeping over what was. <br />
<br />
Eyes closed, <span style="font-size: 140%;">there is a bracing</span> within. Clutched hand opens.<br />
Spine straightens. Feet pivot. We turn.<br />
We walk <span style="font-size: 140%;">from cradle to current</span><br />
To be swept up<br />
Wholly and completely<br />
<span style="font-size: 140%;">Into what waits</span><br />
on the far side of change.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-70865765903831171742015-05-25T13:25:00.000-04:002015-07-01T23:37:12.172-04:00::MAY::As I saw it.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-78034100988184164492015-05-11T15:24:00.000-04:002015-05-11T15:35:13.212-04:00::Across the Mason-Dixon Line::<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: 400%;">S</span>outhward, ho! Much-loved cousins to spend time with and greener pastures to romp in for a week.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-81871559092789623722015-04-20T13:06:00.003-04:002015-04-20T13:08:46.408-04:00::Grey & Gold::<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Been thinking a lot about how, so often, we see the grey and don't look beyond it to the gold that litters the ground at our feet. In Christ, our feet are <span style="font-size: 160%;">already walking a gold road</span> in eternity. Let's not miss the glow of that reality here, in this place, which appears so bleak at times.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-34384522540567744002015-03-16T09:57:00.003-04:002015-03-16T09:59:51.336-04:00::Naming Dragons::
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Fairy tales do not give the child his <span style="font-size: 140%;">first idea of dragons</span>. What
fairy tales give the child is his first clear idea of the <span style="font-size: 140%;">possible
defeat of dragons</span>..."<br />
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~<b>G.K.Chesterton</b> {paraphrase}</div>
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Life is full of dragons. They are breathing fire down our necks in ways seen, unseen and somewhere in between. By default, we fear them. Reflexively, we turn from them at a run. Parentally, we fortify our children against them, shielding their eyes from claw and teeth. Unless, of course, we don't.<br />
<br />
Trouble has been brewing, and not the lurking, stick-to-the-shadows kind. It is the kind of trouble that has weight and presence, passing through walls and filtering through avenues of word and deed until it finds us. Now that it has, I've had to make a choice regarding the telling of tales, so to speak. Do I look into questioning eyes and give vague non-answers? Or do I name the dragon and hope that by doing so the fire in it's belly goes cold and its claws retract?<br />
<br />
I guess what I'm saying is there's a bit of
Chesteron in me; scary tales do not give our children their first idea
of fear. {They already know what fear is.}What scary tales give our children is their first clear idea of
the possible defeat of fear.<br />
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<span class="text Deut-31-6" id="en-ESV-5735"><span style="font-size: 140%;">Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span> your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you</span>.</span><br />
<span class="text Deut-31-6" id="en-ESV-5735">~Deuteronomy 31:6</span> </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-35101456144893964462015-03-09T12:14:00.000-04:002015-03-23T13:12:15.003-04:00::Hintonburg::<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I love projects. This one was especially fun because I was asked to look through my camera lens at the neighbourhood I grew up in. Hintonburg, you're beautiful.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-75863290973563482672015-01-31T18:50:00.001-05:002015-01-31T19:01:46.655-05:00::Spatter::his words, a sloppy paint job<br />
spatter the phone at his mouth<br />
and mist the air with ugly<br />
<br />
a mother skirts by him, wide<br />
avoiding the spray before it settles<br />
on her young son<br />
after all, some messes stick<br />
<br />
a couple abandons food on plate<br />
taste mingled with fumes has lost it's appeal<br />
eyes cut left as they pass at the one-man exhibit no one wants to visit<br />
a Jackson Pollock carnage<br />
the cafe, his purloined canvas<br />
<br />
in the spray zone she sits<br />
feeling the pelt of words like Chinese water torture<br />
pondering lips and their poison<br />
and she remembers<br />
that while he sprays words wide and loud <br />
even quiet tongues<br />
are untamed brushesUnknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-58044140242054282272014-12-19T13:28:00.002-05:002014-12-19T13:28:32.395-05:00::So much to take in::<br />
<span style="font-size: 400%;">M</span>ost years we have a house-full every other day during the holidays, it seems. This year it's relatively quiet around here, which is reflected in the minimal efforts I put into decorating. That said, the extra shine and glitter is unnecessary when my eyes already have so much to take in.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-70893514136676903382014-12-10T15:16:00.002-05:002014-12-10T15:16:54.302-05:00::Christmas Ornaments 2014::<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 400%;">I</span></span>t's been getting harder and harder to come up with a new idea for my annual ornament. I finally stumbled upon an idea that I should be able to coast on for the next decade: <span style="font-size: 140%;">Twelve Day of Christmas</span>. Not original, but entirely homemade.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIOk2Q8X0rA-Q84VXKVHVUZ4lKjC2Q9DfG2H8ns0oFOnng_5Xtp5IEmBU_NcqCoV725LtOCmy9VaMBbeNuA2SZUgum1pw7RG6r2uXuBrcdEbO2A6qLUf72e2bfaJyleI_6sYE1/s1600/ORN14e.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIOk2Q8X0rA-Q84VXKVHVUZ4lKjC2Q9DfG2H8ns0oFOnng_5Xtp5IEmBU_NcqCoV725LtOCmy9VaMBbeNuA2SZUgum1pw7RG6r2uXuBrcdEbO2A6qLUf72e2bfaJyleI_6sYE1/s1600/ORN14e.JPG" /></a><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWX8SAVVXf_MPchNPZbiJGPAgShG46lmpKYB4nB3LgDcjq_tQ1vRpTZRePQjk7IYe6UbyqpJdwP7L_KrEl3zeV_luBt4FTFV_X5ZBXNi1Ei6lAjOOjWfRa5Op21MUI1P_xC6EC/s1600/IMG_3264.JPG" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWX8SAVVXf_MPchNPZbiJGPAgShG46lmpKYB4nB3LgDcjq_tQ1vRpTZRePQjk7IYe6UbyqpJdwP7L_KrEl3zeV_luBt4FTFV_X5ZBXNi1Ei6lAjOOjWfRa5Op21MUI1P_xC6EC/s1600/IMG_3264.JPG" height="320" width="296" /></a>On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
A</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-size: 160%;">Partridge </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-size: 160%;">in a </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: orange;"><span style="font-size: 160%;">Pear Tree</span></span>.<br />
<br /></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-23843260727768758602014-11-05T11:28:00.001-05:002014-11-05T13:22:18.655-05:00::Black Dining Room::I did it! I finally painted the dining room <span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: 140%;">black</span></span>. We're still a harvest table away from being able to really make it the room we envisioned, but it's on it's way. The top half is all chalkboard. Mama's chalkboard. I expect smudging and the occasional doodle to appear at about kid-height, but it's meant to be my own personal transformable wallpaper.<br />
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-82673782893448420552014-11-05T10:28:00.000-05:002014-11-05T10:28:16.058-05:00::Not-Halloween Party::<div style="text-align: center;">
<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUIV9vkiA-q7hIl1_f_UhxTfC7JTXMaBZdUrYq06MXcDVNpSz4UGFpmxTYfeAiUbdUqFFDdjvhXjS__47YPCFWMf9OyG6B0p6sh8ankYgIj4fKnMcbolvNR2VlJm18qmP0Oh6l/s1600/HALLPARTYd.jpg" /> </div>
We grew up Trick or Treating, and loved every minute of it, but we have a few friends who would rather not deal with the ghoulishness. We've talked about transforming our property into a not-Halloween fun zone for years. Bobbing for donuts, bean bag toss, scavenger hunt through the lantern-lit woods, pumpkin hunt. . . It was all about the kids. And the candy.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25145863.post-27878485183090072572014-10-18T10:02:00.004-04:002016-10-18T21:20:09.338-04:00::Water Problem::<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 400%;">W</span></span>e have a water problem out here in the country. We knew it when we bought the land. We knew it when we dug our well. And we know it every time we haul back-breakingly heavy jugs of drinkable water from the store, and wrestle more manageable portions of it into a pitcher we leave on our kitchen island.<br />
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It’s our system, but it isn’t a perfect system. Pitchers break. We’ve shattered more glass than a cathedral’s worth of windows. So, we gave up on glass and moved on to metal. But even pitchers that don’t break only hold a finite amount of water. We fill it. And fill it. And fill it. And, I do not remember what fresh, cold water tastes like. Our poor little pitcher does not come with an in-built cooling system, nor a filter. It’s only job is to hold it’s contents.<br />
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Has that become my job description? Jo: Wife. Mother of six. Reservoir of old material, levels dropping, inspiration growing stale? Maybe it is. I am guilty of tapping into my own experience to diagnose, bandage and sustain myself through my present circumstances. I do it a lot. Instead of lifting a fresh, glittering drop of scripture to my lips, or letting the morning mist of daily prayer soothe my skin, I lower the ladle of my hands deep into the old, murky water of recycled thoughts and self-muddied lessons learned. I am a pitcher, filled with once-crystalline revelations, now gone warm and still.<br />
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Anyone could tell you that running water’s the sweet stuff. I don’t know anyone who would stand beside a leaping, chattering stream, and turn away to lap up the water from the puddle beside it. But we do that. All the time we do that when we don’t go to God for refreshment.<br />
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As the deer pants for streams of water, </div>
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so my soul pants for you, my God. </div>
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Psalm 42 </div>
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Are you thirsty? I’m thirsty. Let’s not gather around the water cooler. Let’s go down to the river and drink.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com